Why do you need self-compassion

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“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others” (Christopher Germer).

Compassion means understanding the feelings or sufferings of others and trying to help them. It is different from empathy in the sense that you are not just validating the sufferings of others but trying to relieve their pain. For example, a child failed the math exam and you understand that failure is a part of life and help the child to improve his grades. Similarly, you see someone with a huge grocery bag and offer your help for a while. So, the real meaning of compassion is “to suffer with”.

When you are compassionate toward others, you do not say harsh words but understand the limitations and shortcomings of others as no one is perfect. The same goes for self-compassion, in order to be self-compassionate you need to recognize that you are having a hard time and you deserve kindness and care.

For example; if you are tired, try to take a break; if you worked hard and failed, there must be something better for you; if your kids have temperament issues, they are just kids and having a tough time due to developmental changes. As soon as you accept these facts you will not blame yourself for each and every situation. Self-compassion does not mean that you are not perfect and you need to change yourself rather it means trying to accept the basic weaknesses a human being possess.

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Self-compassion has three basic elements:

1.    Self-kindness: it means being kind toward ourselves even if we commit mistakes and not being judgmental, ignoring our feelings, or labeling ourselves as a failure. It does not mean that you feel pity for yourself and do not strive for better, but avoid self-criticism and practice self-care. Sometimes, life goes according to your plans but this does not always happen and it creates frustration and stress. Therefore, instead of blaming yourself for being inadequate, accept the fact that you cannot control every situation. It will calm you and create an emotional balance.

2.   Common humanity: self-compassion involves understanding the fact that all humans are vulnerable to suffering and we are not alone. Pain and failure are shared human experiences just like happiness and success. Understanding this fact will avoid self-isolation and ease your pain.

3.  Mindfulness: it is an important aspect of self-compassion and involves a balance between positive and negative emotions. Mindfulness emphasizes on reflecting your emotions in a receptive, neutral, and nonjudgmental way. Do not try to overstate or suppress your feelings and validate them as they are. For example, if someone hit your car on the roadside when you were taking a wrong turn, you need to consider the following things;

a. Try to accept that it was your fault and you will try to avoid such a situation in the future.

b. It happened because you were in hurry and you will try to manage time effectively in the future.

c.  Do not over-criticize yourself.

d. Similarly, do not blame another person for your damaged car and make him held responsible for the whole situation.

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So, being mindful means, watching your emotions and maintaining a balance between positive and negative thoughts. Self-compassion is an essential component of healthy living and there are several ways of practicing self-compassion that will be discussed further.